Oh dear lord I seem to have broken my gourd Whatever will I use to fix it?

What is cut on a table, but never eaten?

I look like everyone else, yet beneath the skin I do not belong. I excite, disturb, and twist expectation, living beyond ordinary perception.

I have a jaw but cannot bite. I have no hands but hold on tight. I turn things round but never dance. I twist your fate, given the chance.

What do you call someone who isn’t a dad but tells dad jokes?